Pushing boundaries. Just not too much.

I love music. I really do. I love Alex Goot, Kate Nash, Regina Spektor, Dia Frampton, Sierra Boggess, and much, much more. But sometimes their talent overwhelms and makes me think all the time "why can't I be like them?" I found myself comparing myself to these people all the time and it just puts me down. They should be inspiring, not demotivating. I've finally realized that that's all that I ever do. I compare myself to EVERYONE.

Whether he reads this or not, Daniel has been my rock for such a long time now and has listened to me when I complain and whine. Somehow, that boy is always so positive. Actually, it's to the point that it's sometimes super scary. I've definititly learned huge life lessons from this old senior though. First of all, "yolo" even though I hate it when he says that. It's true though. Life is too short for regrets. I'm only 16, but I always regret this and regret that... While I'm obsessing over my regrets, I get distracted and don't do things that I will also regret later on in life. Next of all, I've learned from him that you should enjoy the things that you're doing. Last of all, you should always push yourself but not to the point you go psycho. And that's exactly what I've been doing to myself. The whole pushing myself too much part. I always try to push myself and put others on a pedestal that I try to grasp. I'm not saying that having big dreams is bad but too much of something is never good. That's why it's TOO much. There's much more that I've learned, but my brain is too energetic and fuzzy right now. I'm sober! I swear! But anyways, thanks Daniel for everything. You are truly an inspiration and I have a deep respect for you even though I tell you that I hate you all the time. Keep chasing your dreams and enjoy your new life in Cali to follow it. :)

I'm a changed person today. No more comparing myself to others so vigorously, but feel inspired by others. Play music to enjoy it, not stress. If stressed, take a deep breath and know that everything can be overcome. And stop sticking your face onto a screen whether it be a phone, a T.V., or a laptop. Pay attention to the real world and appreciate your loved ones.

My last post was full of angst and frustration... And I feel kind of bad for posting it because it's something that was personal to me, but sometimes that side of me needs to be shown instead of being shoved deep down in this 5'3" body of mine. Actually, I'm 5'3.5" now. :)

Today, I was happy. I had fun playing the piano, singing, and playing the guitar. I danced with my sister like an idiot. Had a first "official" movie night with my family watching Jurassic Park with all the lights down. And ate a crazy amount of calories because I was hungry. No stress. Just enjoyment and pleasure.

P.S. Uncle Hai turned 24 and went skydiving! We ate at the Ram and their ice cream cupcake was delish. I have pictures, but it requires me getting up to upload so that's not happening... :)

"And yeah, baby don't get so disappointed I am not what you anticipated" -Kate Nash

Life, oh life. Why must you be so sucky? My lack of vocabulary is kind of appalling and I like how I say one of my favorite things to do is write. This is post is a post about my thoughts and is pretty much a huge rant. So you might want to save yourself before reading this...

Everyday, you hear that people change especially during their teen years. Apparently it's so that you can find yourself and be the real you. As many of you know, I have had problems that have been so bad that I needed to get medical help when I was younger. After getting help, I became much better. I have definitely changed throughout the years, but the thing is...Well, anyways, I was actually happy after I got help. Happy. A simple 5 letter word. I'm very open with how I battled OCD, depression, and anxiety. I come from a family where it's frowned upon to be hiding things. I believe that being open about it is a way for me to accept that it is a part of who I am. It's strange to be so upfront about it. But I feel that since so many people face emotional and mental issues, hiding it is kind of encouraging the whole "I'm alone thing in feeling this way". It's not to say that I'm never happy anymore. I am.

Anywho, after getting that help, I appreciated every little thing. However, whenever I try to do that now, I can't anymore. I miss being supported by everyone to do WHATEVER I wanted when I was younger. Now, all I hear is negative, negative, and negative. "You're not good enough", "You've gained weight", "You're not talented in _______", and etc.. No, this is not the whole whiny teenager stage of my life. I've spent years of my life dealing with people that do nothing but put me down.

So what if I sing off-tune in the car? Just because I'm in choir doesn't mean I can't cut back. So what if I wear a t-shirt and running shorts to go outside? Maybe I want to feel comfortable from a long week. And yes, I know I have gained weight. Well, I'm sorry that I don't run 6+ miles anymore because cross country ended and I spend all my time babysitting my little sister. It doesn't mean I'm unhealthy. So you ask me to go hang out and I say no because it requires money... Does that mean I hate you and don't want to hang out with you? No. It means that we live in a capitalistic society which means we do not have the same social standing in terms of money.

I've had so much build up in me that sometimes it makes me wonder if I'm the one who's non-intentionally pushing people away. I've always been the one to help others whenever they had problems, but who's there to help me? People are always saying that they can help and then they don't pay attention to me after they've done their "good" deed. Maybe I'm just overreacting, PMSing, or something. My problems are minor to those who are struggling to survive everyday. I don't know what I'm trying to get here and I don't know if this made any sense at all. I complain about not getting help, but at the same time I'm not saying I WANT help. I guess... I just want people to realize that... even though I may exude confidence, seem unaffected, or seem rude... there's more to that. I know it's not a good excuse for not being a good human being to you, but I've had a lot on my plate lately that I don't always share because it's quite personal to me. Yeah... I didn't mean for this to be a whole "everyone look at me and pity me" type thing, but I just needed to get this off my chest. Also, I'm  quite aware that a lot of the things that I've said are contradictory, sound fake, and sound like an attention whore type thing but I know who I am as an individual. Putting this all out there feels pretty personal to me and as I typed this up I got really worked up. So whatever your view on me is, it is your view. Well, goodnight. :)

And remember that life is ALWAYS worth living.

Frustration. Stress. Anxiety.

Good things happen to me all the time.I mean just look at those photos up there! I just never understand why I can't appreciate them. All I do is stress, stress, and stress. Maybe it's just fear. I'm honestly terrified of the future. I'm scared I won't be successful. I'm scared I'll disappointment my parents. I'm scared I won't be as talented in music as I've always wanted to be. I'm scared I'll break my promise to buy my parents a snazzy house. I'm scared of feeling lonely even though I'm not alone.

Maybe listing the positive things will make me feel better.
1. It's summer.
2. New Market was super fun and I made new friends.
3. I got to watch Honk! with Vania and hang out with Kyle.
4. I love my siblings.
5. I got my license.
6. The Olympics.
7. Nathan Adrian is hot.
8. Michael Phelps is a god.
9. New piano books.
10. Life is unpredictable.