Life, oh life. Why must you be so sucky? My lack of vocabulary is kind of appalling and I like how I say one of my favorite things to do is write. This is post is a post about my thoughts and is pretty much a huge rant. So you might want to save yourself before reading this...
Everyday, you hear that people change especially during their teen years. Apparently it's so that you can find yourself and be the real you. As many of you know, I have had problems that have been so bad that I needed to get medical help when I was younger. After getting help, I became much better. I have definitely changed throughout the years, but the thing is...Well, anyways, I was actually happy after I got help. Happy. A simple 5 letter word. I'm very open with how I battled OCD, depression, and anxiety. I come from a family where it's frowned upon to be hiding things. I believe that being open about it is a way for me to accept that it is a part of who I am. It's strange to be so upfront about it. But I feel that since so many people face emotional and mental issues, hiding it is kind of encouraging the whole "I'm alone thing in feeling this way". It's not to say that I'm never happy anymore. I am.
Anywho, after getting that help, I appreciated every little thing. However, whenever I try to do that now, I can't anymore. I miss being supported by everyone to do WHATEVER I wanted when I was younger. Now, all I hear is negative, negative, and negative. "You're not good enough", "You've gained weight", "You're not talented in _______", and etc.. No, this is not the whole whiny teenager stage of my life. I've spent years of my life dealing with people that do nothing but put me down.
So what if I sing off-tune in the car? Just because I'm in choir doesn't mean I can't cut back. So what if I wear a t-shirt and running shorts to go outside? Maybe I want to feel comfortable from a long week. And yes, I know I have gained weight. Well, I'm sorry that I don't run 6+ miles anymore because cross country ended and I spend all my time babysitting my little sister. It doesn't mean I'm unhealthy. So you ask me to go hang out and I say no because it requires money... Does that mean I hate you and don't want to hang out with you? No. It means that we live in a capitalistic society which means we do not have the same social standing in terms of money.
I've had so much build up in me that sometimes it makes me wonder if I'm the one who's non-intentionally pushing people away. I've always been the one to help others whenever they had problems, but who's there to help me? People are always saying that they can help and then they don't pay attention to me after they've done their "good" deed. Maybe I'm just overreacting, PMSing, or something. My problems are minor to those who are struggling to survive everyday. I don't know what I'm trying to get here and I don't know if this made any sense at all. I complain about not getting help, but at the same time I'm not saying I WANT help. I guess... I just want people to realize that... even though I may exude confidence, seem unaffected, or seem rude... there's more to that. I know it's not a good excuse for not being a good human being to you, but I've had a lot on my plate lately that I don't always share because it's quite personal to me. Yeah... I didn't mean for this to be a whole "everyone look at me and pity me" type thing, but I just needed to get this off my chest. Also, I'm quite aware that a lot of the things that I've said are contradictory, sound fake, and sound like an attention whore type thing but I know who I am as an individual. Putting this all out there feels pretty personal to me and as I typed this up I got really worked up. So whatever your view on me is, it is your view. Well, goodnight. :)
And remember that life is ALWAYS worth living.
Everyday, you hear that people change especially during their teen years. Apparently it's so that you can find yourself and be the real you. As many of you know, I have had problems that have been so bad that I needed to get medical help when I was younger. After getting help, I became much better. I have definitely changed throughout the years, but the thing is...Well, anyways, I was actually happy after I got help. Happy. A simple 5 letter word. I'm very open with how I battled OCD, depression, and anxiety. I come from a family where it's frowned upon to be hiding things. I believe that being open about it is a way for me to accept that it is a part of who I am. It's strange to be so upfront about it. But I feel that since so many people face emotional and mental issues, hiding it is kind of encouraging the whole "I'm alone thing in feeling this way". It's not to say that I'm never happy anymore. I am.
Anywho, after getting that help, I appreciated every little thing. However, whenever I try to do that now, I can't anymore. I miss being supported by everyone to do WHATEVER I wanted when I was younger. Now, all I hear is negative, negative, and negative. "You're not good enough", "You've gained weight", "You're not talented in _______", and etc.. No, this is not the whole whiny teenager stage of my life. I've spent years of my life dealing with people that do nothing but put me down.
So what if I sing off-tune in the car? Just because I'm in choir doesn't mean I can't cut back. So what if I wear a t-shirt and running shorts to go outside? Maybe I want to feel comfortable from a long week. And yes, I know I have gained weight. Well, I'm sorry that I don't run 6+ miles anymore because cross country ended and I spend all my time babysitting my little sister. It doesn't mean I'm unhealthy. So you ask me to go hang out and I say no because it requires money... Does that mean I hate you and don't want to hang out with you? No. It means that we live in a capitalistic society which means we do not have the same social standing in terms of money.
I've had so much build up in me that sometimes it makes me wonder if I'm the one who's non-intentionally pushing people away. I've always been the one to help others whenever they had problems, but who's there to help me? People are always saying that they can help and then they don't pay attention to me after they've done their "good" deed. Maybe I'm just overreacting, PMSing, or something. My problems are minor to those who are struggling to survive everyday. I don't know what I'm trying to get here and I don't know if this made any sense at all. I complain about not getting help, but at the same time I'm not saying I WANT help. I guess... I just want people to realize that... even though I may exude confidence, seem unaffected, or seem rude... there's more to that. I know it's not a good excuse for not being a good human being to you, but I've had a lot on my plate lately that I don't always share because it's quite personal to me. Yeah... I didn't mean for this to be a whole "everyone look at me and pity me" type thing, but I just needed to get this off my chest. Also, I'm quite aware that a lot of the things that I've said are contradictory, sound fake, and sound like an attention whore type thing but I know who I am as an individual. Putting this all out there feels pretty personal to me and as I typed this up I got really worked up. So whatever your view on me is, it is your view. Well, goodnight. :)
And remember that life is ALWAYS worth living.
